My Perfect Daughter

Saturday, May 10, 2014

I was checking my old blog, when I found this old post that I wrote for mother's day:

I've read a quote on the internet saying something like this...  
"Motherhood is learning about strenghts you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed." 
When my daughter was conceived, although we had planned about this for a year, I did not have the confidence if I could be a perfect mom. Now she is already going to be 3 years old this December and I am still not confident if I am doing things right. You see, at her age she is still not talking like those kids her age and her doctor said she is delayed by more than 6 months. The moment I noticed and knew, I became so worried and feared what if my child has a disorder.. Maybe it has been my fault.. the things I did or did not do.. If only this, and that.. But then I realized, this was the moment to be a real mother to my daughter. I would try to do the things that will help her, yet if the day came that she will be diagnosed of having a disorder, then I will be here and support her until she needs me. I may make mistakes along the way, but God knows I live for my daughter's happiness and safety. I could not be a perfect mom but I can be a good mom

Now my daughter is 4 years old. She is still not officially diagnosed, but she is currently enrolled at a school for special kids. Her teachers say she is most likely to have mild autism.
I see her improvements and strengths - she knows the alphabet and could write it depending on her mood, she knows numbers in both English and Japanese, and could write it too, she also knows half of Hiragana. She knows how to operate my phone, her tablet, and our PC since she was about 2yo. She memorises things that she loves especially songs that she loves, very quickly. She has a very good sense of rhythm and a good ear for pitch and tones. She could tell what she wants, and I could have simple conversation with her now. She of course could also be asked to do something for me. Since she grew up to be an independent girl, she could eat alone neatly, go to the toilet alone, and she also likes to pick her own clothes to wear, and dress up on her own, which I find cute and annoying at the same time especially during those days when we do not have enough time.
Recently, she has 3 "alaga", Mell-chan (the doll with pink hair who she can take to bath with), Popo-Chan (her first ever doll), Kuma-san (my pink bear that I got from a friend way back.) whom she takes care of.

She makes her 3 alaga sleep in the sofa, like this!

She doesn't know this, but she also takes care of mommy, whenever she asks me if I'm fine and rubs my arms or head whenever she feels that I feel that I'm not well.. Yup. she's the sweetest. ;)

She just have some delays that is mostly connected with speech...  and, is VERY emotional. She is a fun-loving girl, but is very sensitive and tend to cry a lot whenever there is something that is bothering her. She is also very attached to me, that I cannot go anywhere without her even in the toilet. LOL.

Now there are a lot of opinions regarding my daughter, and some people might see my child as spoiled, but hey, those are the ignorant and insensitive ones who knows nothing and perhaps does not even try to be on that person shoes at any case of their lives so I am starting to learn to ignore those kind of people. (oops sorry ;p)
Most people I know would tell me that it is alright, may be it is just a phase. Some might also not understand as to why I say as her own mother that she has autism even when she is still not officially diagnosed yet. Although I understand them, I know my child more than anyone else. I could deny the fact. It may somehow ease pain, but that would not help her in any way. I feel pain whenever I think about it but then I came to the point that denying or hiding the truth would not make me feel any better either. My job right now is to raise my daughter to be a happy adult, train her to be the best that she could be, enjoy and be proud of the little steps that she is certainly taking to move high forward.

I may not be a perfect mom, but she is the perfect daughter for me. She lights up the days of people that loves her like sunshine (proud to say that some of her teachers describes her that way) and I wouldn't trade her for the world. God knows I'd literally die without her now. :)

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